There are many occasions when we live our life the only way we know to live. In the retrospect, we often feel that we have acted stupid or have been exemplary. Everyone will have these memories to cherish and I am no different. I have a similar story to tell. Let me tell you, in the face of it, it was just another day. But, being inspired by the dramatics that we get to see in television every day, I tried to relook at this another day in the history. Here is what I have to say and the learning’s out of it. Please pardon me for keeping this so long. I will not be able to do justice to this by keping it short.
I was a member of a 17 member squad, that had gone to Thodupuzha (a lesser known place in Kerala) to play state selection matches. The squad size was beefed up to include the favorites of various districts and being a state team reserve the previous year, I was a senior member of this densely populated team. I was accompanied by around 3 members from my club team; another 3 friends from a rival club, a few district mates and the rest were the not-so-familiar faces that got into this level. There were a few localities whom the organizers and a few selectors were pushing hard for selection (probably the selectors were more keen to have them than the players themselves).
Before the 1st match had started (we were playing a 3 day match against the North Zone), there were a lot of confusions in my team regarding the team selection (our captain, Deepak, had his pick of players and the team manager had his list). After lot of arguments between the captain and the manager, we found that we had a different problem to confront - overnight rain and the lack of experience of hosting matches of this seriousness resulted in further delays in the match getting started. Ultimately, the moment of truth arrived. The match started at around 10.30 (sorry, can’t make it more dramatic as I don’t have the exact timings). Sanju, a ferocious opening batsmen of our days, a senior to me, and I had to walk in to bat. I have never liked late starts and this was playing in my mind. I also knew that the margin of error was less as a failure here and curtains would have been down for a player of my clout (or the lack of it). I was never keen on taking the strike first and Sanju did the honors. The 1st ball of the delayed start bore a single and I was here to take the strike. Still trying to wake up, I was least focused. The late start, the confusion in the team, probably my last chance, all these were playing in my mind. I am not sure if I had followed the normal mannerisms I would normally follow before I face a ball. I took my stance; I don’t remember what was going through my mind. Shibith, a decent bowler of our days was steaming in. I saw the first ball had kept a bit low. It had rained the previous night. New ball, attacking field and the calm after chatter-before-the-bowler-started. I saw Shibith reach close to the bowling crease. He delivered an almost perfect out swinger. I have never liked being tested in that area. I played the ball straight to covers (or at least I thought I did). The ball had by then kissed the outside edge, a faint one at that. I started walking back. I got only a single ball to play. All the preparation, only for a ball. All the expectations had drained in the rain that delayed the start and made the wicket damp. I was a failure. Deepak had fought hard to get me batting in this crowded side and I had let him down. Time was not moving and I thought the walk back to the pavilion was the longest I have ever had. A few people watching this failure from outside the ground, a few selectors smiling, a very happy Shibith and the North Zone team, including the opening batsman of their side (he has now a better chance to perform and be a part of the state side). I was being welcomed by a set of blank faces, some of whom didn’t know how to console and a few others who didn’t know how not to express their happiness (because they were in a better position to play the next match).
A few good innings’, a few more failures, a decent days play (obviously not for me), all these summed up day 1 of the match. With 2 more days to go will I get another chance to prove myself? Will I be able to go back to Kochin, back to my team mates with my head held high? I know that a 1st ball duck is not the end of life and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. But in reality, it is something one has to face to realize, how difficult it is to go back as a loser.
North Zone batted next day. We didn’t have a great start but wickets kept tumbling at regular intervals. With every wicket falling, I was becoming more and more happier, not for the success of the team, but with every wicket, I saw myself getting a better go in the 2nd innings. This is that kind of a tournament where you as an individual have everything to gain and lose. The team doesn’t come into picture. The 2nd day was very good for me. I did not play a great part in that day’s proceedings, but North Zone conceded a lead, and more importantly, I was getting a chance to bat next day. The first ball of the next day will see me bat again with Sanju.
This was a very consequential evening for me. I had some good time chatting with my friends and most of the time; I guess I sounded a loser. But it was fun to get some time off cricket. I had my dinner. I had my roommates with whom I chatted deep into the night. Then we called it quits and decided to sleep.
I required a break from the fun we were having all evening. All because I had a very important day to play. A make or break day. May be more of “break” and less of “make”. All negative thoughts started crossing my mind. The difficulty in batting (both teams got dismissed in a day each), the decent opposition bowling, probably a bad patch of batting form to beat, last chance, if not a big one. I started thinking of the 10 odd years I had toiled to become a cricketer. I thought of the sacrifices I made in life. I thought of the expectations I had set for myself and my loved ones. All for a ball on day one? Now I had a chance to prove. I had 3 opponents to overcome. The opposition team, my team management and the selectors. Ironically, the opposition team was the easiest to negotiate. I didn’t have a great inter-district tournament where I led Palakkad. I started off well but then gave away my wicket. I was well prepared for any kind of bowling. But match situations had been troubling me. I started thinking of people who had doubted my talent. The selectors, the club, the district, I was giving everyone a chance to doubt my talent. More than anything else, I started doubting myself. It is a very difficult situation to handle. The last person who will doubt your talent is you, and I had already reached there.
Then I said to myself that if there was a chance, it was there in offing the next day. I had started putting pressure on myself. It was one of the toughest hours of my life. All 10 years of effort and now I question myself. All 10 years of sacrifices, and now I question myself. I decided that it was time I stopped thinking of what others would perceive about me. I had to prove to myself that I could hold the bat and score runs. I set a target for myself. 35 runs in the 2nd inning. I very well knew that an innings as mediocre as this would neither clinch me a spot in the state team, nor will it ensure me a berth in next match. But I needed just 35 runs, all to prove to myself that I am a decent cricketer. I am not sure if I could sleep all night. I was wondering where those 35 runs would come from. I was under a lot of pressure. I could see numerous balls that could have dismissed me but very few of which I could have scored off. All the negative vibes that could have come had starter descending in my mind. But all I wanted was just 35 runs, just to prove to myself and no one else. I was thinking that I will stop playing cricket after returning to Kochin, satisfied, had I scored those 35 runs.
I woke up the next day (if I had slept the previous night) not hearing what others were saying. My mind was clogged. I was just thinking of those 35 runs. I went into the ground. I did the warm up and catching practice. I never tap before batting in the match (one of the many superstitions I had). I didn’t realize that there was life around me and within me too. All I had in my mind were those 35 runs. I somehow had to get those runs.
I padded up and went on to bat. All my friends in the team wished me luck. It hardly mattered, though I wanted all those luck. If I could count 10 runs for each wish I got that day! I again did not take the strike and Sanju was welcoming that. I saw off the 1st ball that I had to face. I was hardly able to lift my bat during the 1st over I played. I had also left a ball that went just over the stumps. I had to see of a lot of balls before I could get off the mark in the match. The 1st run gave me a great deal of relief. It reduced my margin by a run and each run was costlier than gold. I counted till I reached 18. Those 18 runs were very difficult to come by. But yes, they had come. I started feeling more and more comfortable and I had scored 18. This was one of my slowest 18s after I moved out to Kochin. I went on to bat well till lunch. I didn’t have a score in mind. I had a target and that was the next ball. I had to survive that ball and then the next. I played a perfect waiting game. I batted till lunch. I had scored around 38 by that time. I had crossed score I wanted to cross. I had proven to myself that I belonged there. Nothing I did all 10 years had gone waste. I came back after lunch, more relieved. I continued to go on and score my 50. I continued to bat the same way, ball by ball, ball after ball. Then came the moment when I did the unthinkable. I scored a century. I would have given anything for a 3 figure mark the previous night. And here I was, standing with my bat high in the air, more relieved than excited. A proud moment of my life, not for having scored a century, but for having overcome many odds in doing so. I went on to score 135 and was given out LBW.
In reality, that innings was just another 100 I had scored. The occasion was a good one as I had scored it at a very important time in my career. It was sweet because I had responded to my doubts about myself. It was great because I had only one way to survive, and I did exactly that. It was fulfilling because I alone had fight multiple battles on a single day, the most ferocious of them being the one in my mind. I wouldn’t have achieved anything, had I not had an undivided objective of scoring those 35 runs.
I scored those 35 runs and my determination gave me the other 100 !
I was a member of a 17 member squad, that had gone to Thodupuzha (a lesser known place in Kerala) to play state selection matches. The squad size was beefed up to include the favorites of various districts and being a state team reserve the previous year, I was a senior member of this densely populated team. I was accompanied by around 3 members from my club team; another 3 friends from a rival club, a few district mates and the rest were the not-so-familiar faces that got into this level. There were a few localities whom the organizers and a few selectors were pushing hard for selection (probably the selectors were more keen to have them than the players themselves).
Before the 1st match had started (we were playing a 3 day match against the North Zone), there were a lot of confusions in my team regarding the team selection (our captain, Deepak, had his pick of players and the team manager had his list). After lot of arguments between the captain and the manager, we found that we had a different problem to confront - overnight rain and the lack of experience of hosting matches of this seriousness resulted in further delays in the match getting started. Ultimately, the moment of truth arrived. The match started at around 10.30 (sorry, can’t make it more dramatic as I don’t have the exact timings). Sanju, a ferocious opening batsmen of our days, a senior to me, and I had to walk in to bat. I have never liked late starts and this was playing in my mind. I also knew that the margin of error was less as a failure here and curtains would have been down for a player of my clout (or the lack of it). I was never keen on taking the strike first and Sanju did the honors. The 1st ball of the delayed start bore a single and I was here to take the strike. Still trying to wake up, I was least focused. The late start, the confusion in the team, probably my last chance, all these were playing in my mind. I am not sure if I had followed the normal mannerisms I would normally follow before I face a ball. I took my stance; I don’t remember what was going through my mind. Shibith, a decent bowler of our days was steaming in. I saw the first ball had kept a bit low. It had rained the previous night. New ball, attacking field and the calm after chatter-before-the-bowler-started. I saw Shibith reach close to the bowling crease. He delivered an almost perfect out swinger. I have never liked being tested in that area. I played the ball straight to covers (or at least I thought I did). The ball had by then kissed the outside edge, a faint one at that. I started walking back. I got only a single ball to play. All the preparation, only for a ball. All the expectations had drained in the rain that delayed the start and made the wicket damp. I was a failure. Deepak had fought hard to get me batting in this crowded side and I had let him down. Time was not moving and I thought the walk back to the pavilion was the longest I have ever had. A few people watching this failure from outside the ground, a few selectors smiling, a very happy Shibith and the North Zone team, including the opening batsman of their side (he has now a better chance to perform and be a part of the state side). I was being welcomed by a set of blank faces, some of whom didn’t know how to console and a few others who didn’t know how not to express their happiness (because they were in a better position to play the next match).
A few good innings’, a few more failures, a decent days play (obviously not for me), all these summed up day 1 of the match. With 2 more days to go will I get another chance to prove myself? Will I be able to go back to Kochin, back to my team mates with my head held high? I know that a 1st ball duck is not the end of life and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. But in reality, it is something one has to face to realize, how difficult it is to go back as a loser.
North Zone batted next day. We didn’t have a great start but wickets kept tumbling at regular intervals. With every wicket falling, I was becoming more and more happier, not for the success of the team, but with every wicket, I saw myself getting a better go in the 2nd innings. This is that kind of a tournament where you as an individual have everything to gain and lose. The team doesn’t come into picture. The 2nd day was very good for me. I did not play a great part in that day’s proceedings, but North Zone conceded a lead, and more importantly, I was getting a chance to bat next day. The first ball of the next day will see me bat again with Sanju.
This was a very consequential evening for me. I had some good time chatting with my friends and most of the time; I guess I sounded a loser. But it was fun to get some time off cricket. I had my dinner. I had my roommates with whom I chatted deep into the night. Then we called it quits and decided to sleep.
I required a break from the fun we were having all evening. All because I had a very important day to play. A make or break day. May be more of “break” and less of “make”. All negative thoughts started crossing my mind. The difficulty in batting (both teams got dismissed in a day each), the decent opposition bowling, probably a bad patch of batting form to beat, last chance, if not a big one. I started thinking of the 10 odd years I had toiled to become a cricketer. I thought of the sacrifices I made in life. I thought of the expectations I had set for myself and my loved ones. All for a ball on day one? Now I had a chance to prove. I had 3 opponents to overcome. The opposition team, my team management and the selectors. Ironically, the opposition team was the easiest to negotiate. I didn’t have a great inter-district tournament where I led Palakkad. I started off well but then gave away my wicket. I was well prepared for any kind of bowling. But match situations had been troubling me. I started thinking of people who had doubted my talent. The selectors, the club, the district, I was giving everyone a chance to doubt my talent. More than anything else, I started doubting myself. It is a very difficult situation to handle. The last person who will doubt your talent is you, and I had already reached there.
Then I said to myself that if there was a chance, it was there in offing the next day. I had started putting pressure on myself. It was one of the toughest hours of my life. All 10 years of effort and now I question myself. All 10 years of sacrifices, and now I question myself. I decided that it was time I stopped thinking of what others would perceive about me. I had to prove to myself that I could hold the bat and score runs. I set a target for myself. 35 runs in the 2nd inning. I very well knew that an innings as mediocre as this would neither clinch me a spot in the state team, nor will it ensure me a berth in next match. But I needed just 35 runs, all to prove to myself that I am a decent cricketer. I am not sure if I could sleep all night. I was wondering where those 35 runs would come from. I was under a lot of pressure. I could see numerous balls that could have dismissed me but very few of which I could have scored off. All the negative vibes that could have come had starter descending in my mind. But all I wanted was just 35 runs, just to prove to myself and no one else. I was thinking that I will stop playing cricket after returning to Kochin, satisfied, had I scored those 35 runs.
I woke up the next day (if I had slept the previous night) not hearing what others were saying. My mind was clogged. I was just thinking of those 35 runs. I went into the ground. I did the warm up and catching practice. I never tap before batting in the match (one of the many superstitions I had). I didn’t realize that there was life around me and within me too. All I had in my mind were those 35 runs. I somehow had to get those runs.
I padded up and went on to bat. All my friends in the team wished me luck. It hardly mattered, though I wanted all those luck. If I could count 10 runs for each wish I got that day! I again did not take the strike and Sanju was welcoming that. I saw off the 1st ball that I had to face. I was hardly able to lift my bat during the 1st over I played. I had also left a ball that went just over the stumps. I had to see of a lot of balls before I could get off the mark in the match. The 1st run gave me a great deal of relief. It reduced my margin by a run and each run was costlier than gold. I counted till I reached 18. Those 18 runs were very difficult to come by. But yes, they had come. I started feeling more and more comfortable and I had scored 18. This was one of my slowest 18s after I moved out to Kochin. I went on to bat well till lunch. I didn’t have a score in mind. I had a target and that was the next ball. I had to survive that ball and then the next. I played a perfect waiting game. I batted till lunch. I had scored around 38 by that time. I had crossed score I wanted to cross. I had proven to myself that I belonged there. Nothing I did all 10 years had gone waste. I came back after lunch, more relieved. I continued to go on and score my 50. I continued to bat the same way, ball by ball, ball after ball. Then came the moment when I did the unthinkable. I scored a century. I would have given anything for a 3 figure mark the previous night. And here I was, standing with my bat high in the air, more relieved than excited. A proud moment of my life, not for having scored a century, but for having overcome many odds in doing so. I went on to score 135 and was given out LBW.
In reality, that innings was just another 100 I had scored. The occasion was a good one as I had scored it at a very important time in my career. It was sweet because I had responded to my doubts about myself. It was great because I had only one way to survive, and I did exactly that. It was fulfilling because I alone had fight multiple battles on a single day, the most ferocious of them being the one in my mind. I wouldn’t have achieved anything, had I not had an undivided objective of scoring those 35 runs.
I scored those 35 runs and my determination gave me the other 100 !
